Building Alters

Since the genesis of mankind, it has been in our nature to forget things.  Very important things at that.  We forget the type of things that we swear we'll  n e v e r  forget under the most dire of circumstances.    This is what happens.  Oh...maybe two months of peace, no inner struggles, no relational upheavals, finances are fine, cars are running, and children are behaving.  Suddenly, we have absolutely NO recollection of the very important, life-altering experience that we were supposed to remember for a lifetime. 

For some time now I have been sensing very strongly that God wants me to start building some alters.  To take these monumental events in my life, where I have recognized such a remarkable and profound truth, and to practice remembering them daily.   To cultivate a heart of gratitude.   To be grateful you cannot forget what was done for you (and through you). To stop in my tracks when there's revelation, and to build something that I can physically see for when my heart wants to forget.  An alter that I can lay myself on as a living sacrifice and let Jesus receive me...and in turn, being filled with him.  An alter that sets my standards a little higher than previous ones. To remind me of where a God so great, met me, a woman that's not so great, but so very loved.  An alter that will show me not to look in the shadows for answers, but in the sunshine of His presence, where He becomes all of my needs.

When my many alters are well established, it will be that much easier to set my energies on them; reliving the power of those moments, resetting my affections and my focus on something greater than the present moment.  I will set my eyes on eternity, not carnal reality.  Then and only then, will there be no time left in my day to maintain any regrets or failures or poor self image.  My mind and sight will be established on something rock solid.  Something so far removed from myself that it causes a piece of the broken me to die, and my true self to be emboldened not only with knowing that God can do anything for me...but that he wants to do everything for me...and with me!

Burning One

I want to be a light.

A vivid fire.

A torch to break the darkness.

A passionate...eternal...burning one.

I want to be an exuberant guide.

A vigil to goodness.

A funeral pyre of self.

An unwavering...radiant...burning one.

I want God's light to outshine my being;

leaving me faceless

A warm kiss

A lantern of love

A fire to warm yourself by.

A momentous...ever-renewing...enlightening...burning one.

White Man

This video is remarkable and inspiring!  God is love....to everyone.  Not just the ones we believe to be worthy, but everyone!  He doesn't subscribe to anyones agenda, get caught up in b.s., worry about nationality, sexuality, or political associations.  God is love.  It really is that simple.  No matter where you are in life, God loves you and is honored to be your father.  Enjoy!

From Under the Knife

Quit comparing scars
Circumcise your thinking.
The law is for the lawless,
and you have been redeemed.

Iron sharpens iron
as one man does another.
Careful not to get so sharp
no one can handle you without getting ripped to shreds.

The law's a guide...not a god.
Your heart knows the truth.
It was engrafted intentionally,
reliably, so you know how to move...
in love.
Not judgement
or opinion.
But love....the anti law.

The Passed

I wrote this a while ago, November 9th 2006 to be exact.  For me it brought closure over the death of a man too young to die. Lately I have been plagued with thoughts of him, and how his devastating death was totally avoidable.  We must remember to reach out and love those who are stuck in the darkness of depression.  Never overlook anothers sorrow as something that will pass, but sit with them, let them share themselves, cry with them, and offer them hope.  There is always hope.  This is for Kyle.

Guns and broken hearts,
emptiness                emptied.
Blood calls from the ground of a haunted friday.
You did it.

A dark part understands.
I was once there with a rifle of my own.
But I can never know the depth of the glass kingdom you lived.
Everyone around you seemed to have a stone,
and your fragility
in brokenness
took
the
fall.

And we suffer as you did.    In skin.
Or maybe it's selfish to say our hurt is equal.
Because my ache will stop.
And for you,
love was the safety you just didn't know how to push.



Revelation of God - Revolution of Man

Taking the morning slowly to realize how happy I am that God is more than man.
He lays Himself down and becomes our road when everything else falls out from underneath us.  He fills all our cracks with Himself, and always does so humbly and with all of the love in the world.  He massages our heart when it slows from breaking.  He breathes life into our bodies over and over again, resuscitating hope when others have beaten it out of us.  When we find ourselves believing lies, He is there sharing Truth.  When people degrade and defame us, He is in their midst bringing conviction and shouting reality.  He never leaves, although we sometimes walk away from him.  He's a pursuer, a lover, a freer, and our father.  His very essence is purity.  His heart is for our security.  His hand is for our authority and His Truth, the main priority.
He is God....so high above us, yet he walks among us!  He infiltrates our thinking, corrects our judgement, and shows us each day how love responds.  He always forgives, and unlike man, even forgets.  He doesn't hold our past like an umbrella over our heads, hiding the sun; the goodness.  He is a God who moves on and urges each and everyone of us to do the same. 
It is possible for me to be like Him.  And that's the most amazing part.  With His help, His Spirit, I can walk like him, love like him, and show the rest of the world, that being a mere man is not enough.  We are immortal!  We are unmovable!  We are revolutionary radicals who are restored by His love!

Between Trapezes

Today.  A day to move forward; to rely fully on a God who I know I can trust.  I hope my day is full of disruptions to higher ways.  New paths are coming.  My faith is not romanticized...things are hard.  In fact, they are promised to be hard.  But through the toughness of letting go of what I have always relied upon to help me 'cope,' I am entering a life more fully lived.  I am still unlearning all of the hurtful habits I run to, all of the emotions that have proven toxic....and I will get to a higher level of glory with each step that I take.  Sometimes in the process however, it can just feel like I'm in between trapezes.  I have let go of what I thought was holding me stable, and am still in mid-air.....waiting for the next bar to appear.   Thankfully though, I know that it will.

Inspiration, Magic, and Whimsy!

Connect-the-dot tattoo

Drilled pumpkins

Sax on the beach

Changing colors

Hieronymus Bosch

and amazing gourd art!

Happy Birthday, With Love!

***Israel Balas***

('Chosen Prince of God')

*8 years ago today, my life was forever enhanced.  I felt the heart of God so strongly.  I heard His whispers and nudgings of his intentions for Israel, and also for myself.  I stepped into pregnancy a mere child, and walked away a woman, a mother.  Through his innocent and unconditional sweet baby love, I came to feel the heart of God Himself.  So Israel...although it is your birthday...it is also mine...for I came alive when I held you for the first time.*

You are so loved!!!

7 lbs  3 ozs  19 1/2 inches

born at 12:12 pm

he hadn't even had his first bath yet

one of the many moments spent in awe and familiarizing myself with the little gymnist I had felt for so long

his very first super loud giggle (he was laughing at his cousin Bella playing peek-a-boo with him)

my beautiful 6 month old

bbbbrrrrruuuummmmmm

a peaceful protest

his stick phase

this lasted several months

he ALWAYS had a stick in hand

(oh how he loved fall..just like mommy)

...and he still loves to create

with his best buddy Bella

he was my 'assistant' with teaching art camp at Camp Buckeye

all the teens loved him

just chillin'

he still delights in kitty lovins'

kid dreams

Keep Dreaming

In the magical land of make-believe this is how my day would be:

        I would awake with a kiss from my prince.  Singing birds would drape a blanket of daises around my shoulders.  I would float around the house on a cloud, only to discover that some sweet little hobbits cleaned for me.  The work was done so well that everything sparkled like diamonds in the sun. 
          Next, I would go to my wardrobe to choose from the many clean gowns that were just hanging there, so freshly adorned.  I would snap my fingers and be dressed in this beautiful gown.  It wouldn't be lumpy or misshapen in any way, and it would smell of the breeze and fresh lilacs.  I would enjoy the delicious meal that magically made its way into my oven, then go back to bed for a few hours while the fairy's of the forest entertained my two cute little elves.
Then upon awaking again, I could retreat to my enchanted tree house where I would write in scrolls and drink magical hot chocolate and view the kingdom from a different perspective. 

Inspiration, Magic, and Whimsy!

The only time machine guns are funny :)

 

The dreamiest space ever.

The magnificence of fall time

This time of year gets me on a kick for hats hats...

and more hats!

Finally, spectacular ink art which was only made better by my love of jellyfish. 

(I want this framed and on my wall!)

Intentions

How enviable the moon, for it knows when to rise and when to fall.

The flowers exist as only flowers can;
  they bloom and fade and begin again as seed nestled in the warmth of the soil.

The water knows how to satisfy.

The trees produce in season;
  they shade and grow and keep the lulls of the wind.

Lions hunt, turtles hide, and monkeys climb.

And here I am...the only creation who can exist outside of necessity and function;
to hold the experience of imagination,
yet never knowing when to quit pretending.

For I am the only creation who can think itself to be something that I am not.
How I wish I could exist in this coat of skin,
only to do the things humans were meant to do.

Intelligible Folly

Intelligence says that I must understand before I can believe.
But what do I know of the suns design?
Do I not still feel its warmth and tan from its exposure?
God is.
Bigger than the galaxy, the universe.
Bigger than I can hold.
Yet he's held inside of me.
How...can I still be...so dim?
My hearts says.......I want.
A brighter light.
Desirable fruit.
Invitation.
A belief that trumps intelligence.

As lights brighten, the shadows darken.
A contrast which makes lines easily distinguishable.
My will desires flavor-
     to salt with grace,
     to season with love,
     to influence an insatiable thirst,
and to introduce the very man who can quench it.
To take ransom over reason-
     the intelligible folly.

Rainy Day Sunshine

By most people, rain is despised.

For me though, it presents opportunity:

to be refreshed

to snuggle under handmade blankets with my boys

to make our living room into a giant tent.

Rain encourages shadow puppets on walls

empty mugs

lit candles and enchanting stories of faraway lands.

Every bear hug, a reminder of what is most important.

Busyness slows...and you listen.

To hearts beating close, to rain making music on the windows,

and to the laughter of two precious, giggly boys.

We, the Poem.

Provocative expressions we are.

Displays of magnificence.

The only creation aware of itself;

conscious to thought,

intentional to life.

We are God's 'workmanship.'

The creation of his own heart and hands.

We carry His breath, walk in His image, and house His Spirit.

Vitally. United.

'Workmanship' was birthed from the Hebrew 'poiema.'

An end product. 

A creation.

Or as English translates...'poem.'

Our lives, fluent in grace,

abundant in freedom

and dancing with whimsy and prose.

We are all enchanting stanzas...

to be slowly read and enjoyed by one another.

Cautiously deciphering the sanctity between the lines.

Let our actions match the insight and magic of the True Poet's intentions.

Be beauty...and leave the readers of your lives in awe!


[Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.]

Mistaken Identity

   

    I haven't written in a while.  I don't want to say that I have had writers block, because unfortunately, I scarcely run out of things to say.  I have consciously avoided blogging because I wanted to drown out my voice a little...well okay, a lot. 
    I think that it's good to cultivate quietness.  There is a continual hum and buzz that feeds into confusion and lies about who we are and what our purpose is.  I like to take an intentional break from it all to meditate on where I stand.  'Quiet' gets a bad rap in this day and age.  Every silent opportunity somehow morphs into distractions from what we really need to be facing.  And this time around, I focused long and hard on identity.  This is something God has really been encouraging me to look at with intensity.  
    We can so easily placate ourselves with what we like that it ends up becoming what we are.   Certainly what we like is a reflection of our heart, of greater things.  But it shouldn't completely define us.  I don't want to be reduced to fashion or wit.  I want to live from a deep well that satisfies with knowledge.  A knowledge and understanding of what is important, total abandon, and selflessness.  To know that I was 100 percent hand crafted by an immeasurable God and given the same spirit.  To live from Love and to simplify with Grace.  To value others because I understand they come from the same consecrated place.  And to honor our giftings since their purpose was for reproducing gifts for others.               
    While our culture urges us to be our own greatest adventure, I would like to challenge you to look for yourself in all of the right places...in God Himself.  We cannot know ourselves unless we know him.  Fashion, media, intellect, can all be our cover up...our facade if you will, for the true individuals that we are.  With the massive identity crises in the world today, it is no wonder that there is an atmosphere of self absorption.  Not knowing where to direct our energies, we subtlety choose ourselves.  We idolize mediocre while God is shouting for us to look into his heart to glimpse the boundless mass of creativity and endless creatures that we are.
  Redirect your attention to Him.  Stop over consuming and trying to create worth from things that are intrinsically worthless.  Stop investing every ounce of your being and finances into 'creating yourself.'  You cannot outdo God, he has already created you.  Find Him, and you will find yourself tucked neatly away for safe keeping.   Are you happier with all of your stuff, or does that ravenous appetite still linger behind the shopping bags?    Don't cheapen yourself!  Let the God who fashioned you whisper in your ear the true and infinite worth that you hold.  Cut the price tag from your heart and no longer barter, trade, or sell yourself into oblivion.  You are a beautiful and original piece of art...don't let the static and distortion that is so readily available, transform your identity into a mass produced, plastic and sterile, cut out version of what you were really fated to be! 

At Last

  It was humid and 83* with the pool water almost as high as the air outside.  We decided it was time for our first swim of the season.  Israel has been ready for months now, and we were so excited to see River's initial response to this new sensorial experience.

  Israel's relationship with water was somewhat complicated.  He loved it as long as I had a kung fu grip on him and the water level didn't raise above his chubby little knees.  We were expecting the same kind of response with River.  After the sunscreen was globbed all over their delicate skin, Israel jumped in, and I slowly acquainted River into the pool.  He honestly didn't even seem to notice the difference in his environment.  He was elated as usual, grabbing at every toy and noodle that floated his way.  He splashed, tried to escape from my grasp, and dipped his little face in the water over and over again.  His nose would have tiny drips on it, and he would just smile like he was the coolest cat in town.

  The next test was putting him in his little floaty.  Sure it was easy to be content while snuggled in mama's arms, but what about a more detached approach..?  We stuck him in and he was happy as could be.  Israel swam up beside him and spun him in circles while River squealed with delight!  He was a born water baby!  He definitely has his home in the Sustar family for that one; no trepidation, just at peace like a little fish.

  As Justin held him, he kicked his legs wildly, and his arms were going like he already knew how to doggy paddle.  He liked being free from our bodies and loved to splash splash splash.  Of course he didn't like being splashed, but with all of his cousins in the pool too, that was unavoidable. 

  We spotted a birds nest, which usually can be found every year near my in laws deck.  Mama wizened up this year though as we found her nest a little further away.  There were three tiny babies who made their appearance as we all reveled at how stinkin adorable they truly were.

  While River took a nap in the cool of the shade with his sun hat protecting his baby skin, we had fun swimming with Israel as we all got a little too crispy in the five hours we were enjoying the water.  It felt good to be tired from all of the exercise.  We packed up our cooler and headed for home where we cleaned up and snuggled as close as we could in the living room and watched a movie with our tanned skin and fatigue.

Inhale...Exhale

  Driving with the windows down, Wilco on the ipod, warm fresh air breaking away any of life's harshness as our hair whipped in the wind on the narrow road that envelops you with life on the path to Mohican.  It was one of those moments in life where you felt as if you were watching yourself from a safe distance with a really amazing soundtrack playing softly in the background.

  We parked at the Covered Bridge, put River in the backpack, strapped on our camel pack and headed into the beauty.  Unsure of how River (now 7 1/2 months old) would handle the long day ahead, we relished every moment we could in case the day ended sooner than planned. 

  We started by skipping stones in the water (that wasn't as high as we had anticipated due to all of the rain), forged ahead while River giggled into the air and ate the silicone hose of the camel pack.  Soothing to his gums, he became an excellent multi-tasker; pulling our hair while handlessly sucking on the spout.  We climbed, swatted bugs, sat in a shady spot just to take it all in, and reveled in all of the blessings we have in one another.

  At the end of the trail Israel and Justin scaled a pretty cool rocky hill and then proceeded to climb the steep steps to the top where it overlooked the dam.  River and I stayed behind of course because of how slick it was and for him to have his afternoon meal.  He fell asleep in my arms as the cool breeze from the water kissed our skin.  Israel ran and rolled down the hill, laughing and screaming as little boys should. 

  When again we met at the bottom of the muddy hill, comparing bites from some anonymously strange creatures that Israel dubbed 'vampire bugs' due to the blood trails on our skin.  We headed back for a picnic lunch and a swing on the swing set.  We ate, washed our dirty feet in the water, and then climbed behind the public outhouses so Israel could once again pee in the woods, which by the way he claims is one of his favorite things to do outside.

Back in the car, we headed to the fire tower where Israel challenged Justin to climb all 80 feet, yet while he himself chickened out.  He laughed from the bottom, and taunted Justin the entire way.  After that feat was accomplished we headed to the Gorge Overlook where little boys need a careful eye and a little fear.  We soaked it all in and then headed home, tired, appreciative, and more in love with the God who made this wonderful world and of course, with each other. 

caught watering the foliage...haha

evidence of the 'vampire bugs'